My hair reeks of homosexuality.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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