Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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