he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
