I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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