im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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