Moan for me like Helen Keller
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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