Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
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