he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
