So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
