I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He's a Shit stain on my heart
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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