I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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