a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
So apparently I’m into choking now
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
