I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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