I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
