Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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