what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
