I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
