Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
