I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
