apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
