a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize