Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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