Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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