Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
