I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize