You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
