Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
