I wish I could teleport
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Randomize
