This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
