I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize