i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
