I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You ruined the universe
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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