I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
