I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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