i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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