No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
