i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
