I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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