Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
