You just made me feel so damn special
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
