I'm so fucking centered right now
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
