I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
