Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
