The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
