please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
