Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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