No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
