We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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