Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
