What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
