Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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