You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
