you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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