Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
