i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
