he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
