There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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