Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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