I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
