I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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