some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
