Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize